RESTORATION is the place where I have experienced for the first time in my life the truth of the words “Christ sets us free.” For me, that means freedom from addiction, shame, and the heavy burden of a double life. 
    I was raised in a Christian home with wonderful Christian parents. I responded to an altar call at the age of 6 to accept Jesus into my heart. And I meant it. My parents sent me to a Christian school for 12 years during which I went to chapel every morning, studied the Bible, and learned to worship God. I had all the training, support, and external Christian influences that parents and a Christian community could provide.
    But I also had a secret. I began looking at pornography and masturbating at the age of 12, and it quickly became a habit that I could not break. Along with that habit came a great deal of shame. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I constantly asked for God’s forgiveness. I guarded my secret carefully and put on the mask of a good-natured, happy Christian boy who was serious about his faith. I never let anyone close to me for fear they would get close to my secret. Inside, I was isolated and felt very much alone.
    I thought that I would eventually grow out of it, and I resolved to quit at each birthday, at the start of every school year, at every Christmas, every New Year, when I went away to college, at the start of grad school, and in response to any especially convicting sermon. Sometimes I could go for 4 or 5 months without acting out. Once I even went for a year. But on my own, I would eventually fail. Because of my shame, the one thing I absolutely would not do was tell another human being about my struggles. I would conquer this problem alone or not at all. 
    My addiction warped my image of God in some serious ways. It kept me from experiencing any closeness with God. I was convinced He would not respond to me in love until I had demonstrated victory over this sin. So, over time I began to resent God for what I thought was His purposeful distance and the shame I thought He was making me feel.
    So, I made another resolution: to get God out of my mind. Without Him there would be no shame or guilt, and I could finally have peace and happiness. I stopped going to church and I stopped fighting my addiction. For two years I sunk deeper into myself, isolating further from friends, from family, and from God. I ended up seeing no purpose to life and all I wanted was to die.
    Then, God woke me up. One day, in despair, I opened up the Gospel of John and realized that Christ was real and that He was my only hope. I returned to church and began praying and reading the Bible. I saw that it was time to get serious about my addiction to pornography and I began reading every Christian book I could find on the issue of lust and pornography. I found every Scripture about sexual immorality, every prayer for purity, and listened to many sermons on the issue. For a year and a half I tried to deal with it on my own. But I still thought that telling anyone about my struggle would be too humiliating and it would mean that I was accepting the label “weak pervert” forever.
    Finally, I gave up. I admitted that I was powerless over my addiction, that I couldn’t solve this on my own, and that I needed help from other Christians. I came to Restoration and told my story to a group of guys who, it turned out, had very similar stories, and as I talked about my struggles with them, I discovered that there was a way out of my addiction. 
    I have been “sober” for nine months now. Through my participation in Restoration I’ve gained and learned a great deal. First, I gained a new group of brothers who understand my struggles and help me grow. Second, I gained a new, practical, simple plan of action for gaining victory over my addiction. I learned that the humility the Bible speaks about is not a desire to heap insults on yourself. It is the willingness to admit to God and to others your powerlessness over sin and to walk in His path every day. And in that humility we receive the grace and the power to live obedient lives that we would never otherwise know.
    Finally, I learned that the Lord truly loves me and that there is real joy in following Him. I learned that He does not stand back waiting for us to get our acts together. He rushes to help us live as we should in relationship with Him. I learned that God was not the cause of my shame. He is the One who wants, who wanted all along, to set me free from shame and to help me stand up and live in power and freedom to be the man He created me to be. 
    How can I possibly thank Him for that kind of gift? If you have any sort of struggle with sexual integrity or sexual brokenness in any form, please don’t wait any longer for your will-power to kick in or stay isolated in shame, fearing rejection or humiliation. And please do not buy into the lie that your issue is way beyond the power of God or the love and acceptance of His people. Trust me, at Restoration, we’ve heard it all. You will be welcomed and your life will be changed.


Anti-Religious Zealot Hits Bottom

    My story began with my parents’ stories. Both were raised in addictive, abusive, and hypocritically, religious homes. I grew up with a distrust of anything religious. My parents divorced when I was very young and I lived alone with my mother many states away from my father and his new family.
    From as early as I could remember, I felt different from other people. I felt too old around kids my age and too young around my mother and her friends. I always had the feeling of being on the outside looking in. This taught me to act like I fit in.
    Because my mother was fulltime working and going to school, I spent a lot of time alone. This produced feelings of loneliness, anxiety and fear; feelings that I didn’t know how to handle. We had a housemate who had amassed a large collection of men’s magazines. By the time I was five I was looking at the images in these magazines on a regular basis. I would go into an almost trancelike state while looking at the pictures. It took me away from those feelings. This was how I learned to deal with my emotions.
    At eleven, I was abruptly moved to father’s home. For the rest of my childhood, I felt like a permanent visitor in his home with his family. It was at this time, that I was exposed to much more hardcore pornography and my addiction progressed. By the time I was thirteen I knew I had a problem. I was masturbating at least twice a day and on two occasions I had tried to victimize others. I thought if I could find something else to calm my emotions I would stop acting out sexually. I turned to alcohol, drugs, and even cutting myself. These inane practices would numb the feelings for a time, but never to the degree that lust did. 
    I kept hoping I would find a way to control my behavior. I would make a line in the proverbial sand and promise myself never to cross it, but inevitably I would fail. Periodically, I would try to turn around my life—throwing out everything in my stash; I would make an attempt at a fresh start. Within a day, or two at the most, I would be acting out again and desperately trying to replenish my porn stash.
    I had the idea that if I found a girl with the same level of sexual desire that I had that all my problems would vanish. At seventeen, I met that girl. Almost immediately I moved in with her, but quickly found that this relationship solved nothing and I was right back to acting out. In a whirlwind, we had married and divorced—all before either of us could legally drink. 
    Then along came the Internet … it was like throwing Napalm into a fire. My addiction progressed exponentially. I now had access to anything I could imagine; anonymously and free. I would spend hours every day looking at picture after picture, video clip after video clip, thinking insanely that the next one would be exactly what I needed to make everything better. I was trying to fill a God-sized hole with Satan-sized lies. 
    But I was living a double-life. At home, I had remarried and was a great husband and father. I was the always smiling, always ready to pitch in a help out, kind of neighbor. At work, I was the, seemingly, hard-working diligent employee. It was a just a charade. Everything I did was to cover-up the feelings of inadequacy and brokenness.
    Finally, my addiction had me harming the ones I loved most. I had crossed legal boundaries, lost my family, my job… my life. I could see no hope for my life… it was over. I was on the verge of committing suicide when I made the decision that if my victims ever wanted to ask me why I had done the things I had done I owed them the answers.
    It was at this point that I sought help for my addiction in earnest. I began seeing a counselor twice a week and started going to a secular Twelve Step recovery group several times a week. I got a sponsor and put myself in the ‘yes’ position where my recovery was concerned. 
    As I began working the steps I found myself stuck at Steps Two and Three. Those Steps asked me to find a power greater then myself. My entire life up to this point had been fighting against any organized religion. I had been on a constant vigil to point out the hypocrisy I saw in people who claimed to be Christians.

But AA’s Big Book states…
I came…
I came to…
I came to believe.

    And I found this to be true for me too. When my sponsor asked me if I’d go to church with him, I didn’t give myself time to think my way out of it, I just said ‘yes.’ I began going to church on a regular basis. Also at his direction, I started reading the Bible. Soon, I’d made the decision to turn my will and my life over to Christ. It was through that church that I found Celebrate Recovery (now RESTORATION) at Fairfax Community Church. 
    Friday nights at RESTORATION became a critical part of my recovery and my spiritual journey. The guys I’ve met in both the Men’s Sexual Addiction (SA) meeting and in the James Club have become my brothers in recovery. We do life together. By myself I am powerless over my sinful nature, but through Christ who strengthens me I can be victorious in all things. And it’s through my brothers and sisters in recovery, that I see Christ’s face and hear his words.
    If you think you may have a problem… If you’ve tried to stop, but cannot… If, like Paul in Romans 7:15, you continue to do those things which you do not want to do, come and join us.